Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

this is a sign that you need a union

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.