Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
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Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I can’t wait!
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see