Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
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Taco Bell, Exit 22
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha