Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
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My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
If at first you don’t succeed, try try again
“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder