Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
