Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
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Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I think this might be relevant today.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Liquor Store Parking
