Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
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I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.