Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
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I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it