Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
You Might Also Like
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
The smoothest fall of all time
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP