Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
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Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
This was my dad’s browser history.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?