Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

thank god the sign was there

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.