Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

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Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then


No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.


You said you were only adding your 2 cents but it seems more like your life savings.


[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason


Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?


If you love someone, set them free. If they cry and refuse to leave the bathroom you’re in, they’re your kids.


You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.


why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE


Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.