Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
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*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Guys, I found it.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?