@CulturedRuffian

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

@Donna_McCoy

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

@neledmax

You said you were only adding your 2 cents but it seems more like your life savings.

@Thynebear

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

@JohnLyonTweets

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

@ashleyaustrew

If you love someone, set them free. If they cry and refuse to leave the bathroom you’re in, they’re your kids.

@CantWaitToNap

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

@IamEnidColeslaw

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

@SeymourDLindsay

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.