Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?

Good times.

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent