whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
You Might Also Like
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
he was correct
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
*serious situation*
My brain:
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
crying
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I think I’ll stand
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’