whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
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Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Skills
sliding into dms like
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Become ungovernable.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.