whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
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[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive