Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”