Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
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The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?