Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

💀 😭

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.