Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
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My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
You sure about that?
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Saw this yesterday lol
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.