Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
You Might Also Like
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.