Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

Truth

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

I want this so bad

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.