Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

forgive me baja for i have blast

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

[canadians at you, canadianly]

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way