Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
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Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.