Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
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NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
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Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
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baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad