Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
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a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.