Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
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My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.