Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
You Might Also Like
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
lmao
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Labreador
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”