Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
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I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch