Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Uh oh 👀
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
When you don’t understand how floors work
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.