Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
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If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.