Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
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How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
concern
