Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
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[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Yes
Hello Twits.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.