Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
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big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.