Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

Sign at work today

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination