Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

Real bees work best

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

I put the I in Insufferable.

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”