Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

:/

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.