Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

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If you’re lost in the forest start talking about politics. Someone is sure to show up to argue with you.


I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.


“They are more afraid of you than you are of them.”

-people who know even less about me than they do about bears


“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank


The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.


I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white


People that say “God never gives you more than you can handle” never met my ex-girlfriend.


Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup


[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.


grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?