@Jenny4ashley

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

You Might Also Like

@danielhowell

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

@thequareman

Did you know cats only meow to communicate with us? If they’re not raised around people they don’t do it. They are trying to make a human voice. Nice try cats, we don’t sound like that. Smh.

@DanMentos

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

@nPhelendriqal

I don’t smoke to be cool, I smoke so no one asks me to hold their baby.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

@rachellinfox

Sister posted on FB: pray for me, I have a test tomorrow.

My comment: it’s cheating if Jesus helps you.

Solidifying my black sheep status

@stephenjmolloy

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

@krustythe_klown

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

@looktothepickle

Girl, tonight I’m gonna let my body do all the talking..

*squishes flab together to make a mouth out of my bellybutton* HELLOOO! LA LA LAA!