Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
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Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
The Book. The Movie.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
my mom making me talk to relatives
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.