@Jenny4ashley

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

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@realHamOnWry

If you’re lost in the forest start talking about politics. Someone is sure to show up to argue with you.

@stereofiasco

I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.

@hazelmotes1

“They are more afraid of you than you are of them.”

-people who know even less about me than they do about bears

@CtotheASS

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

@Lance_Said_This

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

@pittdave13

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

@BackrowSeats

People that say “God never gives you more than you can handle” never met my ex-girlfriend.

@thebabylady7

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

@JediGigi

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

@PleaseBeGneiss

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?