Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
You Might Also Like
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad