Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
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Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door