Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

Who’s ready for Friday?!

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.