Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
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I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
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*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
When you’ve simply given up.
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Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Worlds greatest photobomb
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I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
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When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord