Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human

Captcha:

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

I love it all

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government