Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

Do not levitate over flowers

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

Is fake venison called venisn’t

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM