Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

marvel comics have peaked

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Now who done made this a sport lmao

Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me