Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
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I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Windchimes
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger