Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms