Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
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My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
A friend helps you before you need it
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…