Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
You Might Also Like
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
