Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
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Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’