Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief