Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
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Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?