Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
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A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Y’all know who you are.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.