Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
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I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
No regrets in 2018
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder