Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
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I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic