Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
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Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Damn he played himself
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
#gardening
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
So, can we agree on 4 or
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
