Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
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For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I want to meet the individual who made this
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!