whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
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How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I am HOWLING at this
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount