whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
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*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
thats my bad
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Frog purse.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.