Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
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Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
mathematically impossible
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
getting seasonal up in here
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.