Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

😝