Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
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A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
scared to check what name she chose
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya