Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
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handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.