Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

Fidel Castro was alive?

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

This could be us… but you playing

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

spot the difference

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it