Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

UK English: colour, realise, marvellous

US English: color, realize, marvelous

Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

Dishonest mechanic?

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.