Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

My loaf of bread looks terrified

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em