Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
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I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
If only.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?