whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
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“We will wed,” I threatened
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
#ProTip
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
So glad we cleared that up
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband