Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.