Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
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i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Spotted in New Orleans.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers