whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
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Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday