Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
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Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good