Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
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Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.